Oye

Sometimes I eat out of fear and loneliness. I don't think you have to be alone to be lonely. Sometimes the loneliness comes from within- a weird social block that disconnects you from others, even those you love. I am not a people person, I know this. I am shy and look at the ground a lot. It's difficult for me to hold a conversation and so I can be in a room full of people and wish desperately to melt into the floor. After awhile, I find myself avoiding people completely which ultimately heightens the feelings of loneliness and so I eat or sleep to dull the ache- hoping that stomach pains will take my mind off the problem at hand. My tendencies toward isolation are not purposefully self imposed and I don't write this to cultivate a pity party. I write to understand why I am the way I am and what purpose my personality could possibly serve.
I remember one sermon I went to at my old church that left me feeling utterly guilty. "You have to get out there! You may not like it but you have to connect, you have to blah blah blah." Connect? I wish. Networking is not me. I do not network. I'd like to yes, but I find myself inhibited by the binding upkeep that comes with networking. I know that somewhere in this debacle of a personality disorder is a reason, I have yet to find it though. Until then, I'm afraid I'll go crazy and eat myself to death.

I was thinking this evening that if you were the last person on earth and you had all of the fancy department stores to yourself, would the latest and most expensive clothing still have any meaning to you? I mean, no one is going to be around to see you swing that Gucci purse down the street while you strut your stuff in Jimmy Choos. The naked world could care less. I could care less right now, but still. So if purpose and meaning is defined by the society you live in, what would you define as important if you were the only person to care? And once you find that answer, why is it so hard to implement it in the present, even when you know that when society tells you it's stupid, it doesn't matter?